What
is Romantic Love Anyway?
By Beverly Rodgers MS, LMFT and Tom
Rodgers MA, MHDL
As marriage counselors who work with a great many hurting couples on a daily basis, we are surprised at how little engaged couples think about the marriage. They get so busy buying the dress, renting the tuxedos, designing the cake, preparing the ceremony that often times the marriage relationship gets put on the back burner. Sometimes just mentioning pre-marital counseling to the blissful bride- and groom-to-be elicits a somewhat dumbstruck response. “But we’re so happy,” they say as they look affirmingly into each other’s eyes. “How could anything go wrong?” At that point our realism kicks in and we want to say, “Just give it time, sister, something will go wrong.” Why will it go wrong? because that blissful feeling won’t last forever.
Neurobiologists
have found that there is a chemical released in the brain when a couple falls in
love. This chemical is called
phenylethlamine and it functions in the body much like an amphetamine thus
explaining the superhuman feelings of a couple who is falling in love.
They often make statements like “I feel like I can walk on air”, “I
don’t need to eat”, “The grass is greener”, “The sky is bluer.”
Since phenylethlamine is released in the presence of your partner, you want to
spend every waking moment with him and most couples do just that.
Amazingly enough during this stage of their relationship, they never seem
to tire of one another.
But unfortunately there is a villain in this fairy tale.
Phenylethlamine highs cannot last. As
with any chemical your body builds up a tolerance to it and the body requires
more and more of the substance to acquire love’s special spark.
Neurobiologists say it takes about four years for the chemical to fade, to run
its course. Once the chemical is
gone, the couple is faced with the difficult challenge of doing love with their
own basic brain chemistry. This can
create quite a struggle for many married couples.
Now
that we as therapists know this information, we can warn young lovers that their
relationship will be tested. This
is where those couples who have had pre-marital counseling seem to shine.
Statistically, those couples weather the storms of the first year of
marriage better than couples who did not participate in pre-marital counseling.
And with the 57% divorce rate in this nation, we think pre-marital
counseling is a good idea for every couple.
Proverbs
says that there is wisdom in many counselors.
There are a great many pre-marital programs available through pastors,
lay ministers, singles sponsors, or trained relationship therapists.
Our program is just one of many. A
fresh, objective perspective can be very effective in giving you guidance.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with what happens in pre-marital
counseling, let us familiarize you.
A
good pre-marital counseling program will acquaint couples with the six areas
that couples conflict about which often lead to divorce.
In therapy we call these toxic subjects because it can become toxic for
couples to discuss them. These
issues are money/finances, sex, in-laws, child rearing, roles (delegation of
responsibilities and jobs in managing the home), and religion/spiritual
leadership. In counseling couples
are given ample time to discuss these issues thereby aiding conflicts that might
ensue. Many young lovers come back
to us in the first year of marriage and thank us for helping them develop a plan
to handle the problems they naively thought wouldn’t occur.
Another
key to a successful marriage is healthy conflict resolution.
Pre-marital counseling will help couples develop their
conflict-resolution style. We have
our own inventory we give couples that we have included at the end of this
article.
Relationship
researchers have determined that there are certain conflict-resolution styles
that can lead to divorce. These are stonewalling (withdrawal), defensiveness,
criticism, and contempt. Pre-marital
counseling can help couples find these marital parasites early.
The
next important issue that relationship counseling should cover is communication.
During the blissful, phenylethlamine stage of a relationship, it is quite
natural for couples to read each others’ minds, even finish each others’
sentences. How many times have you
heard young couples say, “We just think alike”, “She knows me so well”,
“I feel whole in his presence”? Once
again we find this aided by the couple’s brainchemistry.
No wonder so many pre-marital couples think they don’t need counseling
to aid in communication. It’s all too shocking when these mystical mind-reading
processes come to a halt, which incidentally is at our four-year critical mark.
This is when couples really have to learn to communicate.
Good pre-marital counseling teaches couples tools to do just
that. Communication techniques that
promote understanding, foster empathy, bring about insight, and facilitate
forgiveness are essential parts of pre-marital counseling.
In
addition to providing all of these helps for young couples, pre-marital
counseling can help you with any unresolved individual baggage you may knowingly
or unknowingly carry into your marriage. Issues
such as low self-esteem, unresolved issues in your family of origin, unresolved
guilt, and others can rear their ugly heads and reek havoc on a new marriage.
More than anything pre-marital counseling gives couples the confidence
that they can beat the odds and become the soul mates God intended them to be.
1. Which predictors of divorce apply to you (stonewalling/withdrawal, defensiveness, criticism, contempt)?
2.
List several childhood conflicts or traumas.
3.
How did you respond? What
did you do?
4.
List several relational conflicts or traumas.
5.
How did you respond? What
did you do?
6.
The main ways you resolve conflict are (write a brief paragraph)
7.
What are you going to change about your conflict style?
Beverly
and Thomas Rodgers have been Christian counselors in Charlotte, NC for the past 20 years and together they own Rodgers Christian
Counseling. They have co-authored
two books. How
to Find Mr. or Ms. Right: A
Practical Guide to Finding A Soul Mate and
Soul-Healing Love: Ten
Practical, Easy-to-Learn Techniques for Couples in Crisis (Resource
Publications Inc.) are both available
in bookstores or by calling (704) 364-9176.