Recently we spoke at Transformation Church in Fort Mill, SC near Charlotte– our topic—Forgiveness.  The feedback about our talk was very positive and the vast majority of the people who commented appreciated the section on what forgiveness is Not.  Here are some highlights: Forgiveness is not exoneration or saying that the offender is not guilty. It is not justification or making excuses. It is not denial or minimizing the offense to keep peace or look pious. Forgiveness is not toleration, saying that the offender can continue his or her offensive behavior simply because they have asked for forgiveness.  Forgiveness is simply for giving a person pardon and for giving you freedom.

In my (Bev) childhood I had much to forgive, among many things my mother’s physical beatings and her endless rants about my worthlessness.  Her words, “If abortion were legal I would have gotten rid of you,” were tattooed to my soul for years. I tried to exonerate her (surely I have to honor my mother). I tried to justify her actions (after all she was an abused child herself). I tried denial and was successful for years until my headaches, stomach problems, and depression got the best of me.  It took the gentle hand of the Holy Spirit  nudging me to finally realize that I had to sincerely grieve my lost childhood, innocence, and self-esteem in order to forgive my mother’s abuse. In doing so I had to open up a wound that I had denied for years. We say in the Soul Healing Love Model that you can’t heal what you can’t feel. This was certainly true for me. In fact I had to forgive my mother over and over again, and each time the Lord was with me holding my hand. It is true –Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for someone else to die. Forgiveness is indeed a path to freedom.  

One of the most gratifying things about being a Christian marriage and family therapist for the past 30 years is hearing testimonials of couples who say that learning our Soul Healing Love Model saved their marriage or changed their family interaction for the better. Over the past three decades we have heard such things as:

“You were our last hope. We practically hated each other and you helped us learn to forgive and love again.”

“Your help made me see that I was a very critical father, much like my dad. You helped me change my relationship with my own children and now we have a great relationship because of it.”

“You saved our marriage from the brink of divorce. We had already seen an attorney and were moving in that direction when we saw you. The Soul Healing Love Model changed our perspective on marriage. We still see marriage as hard work, but we have the tools to do that work. And we are so grateful!”

Hearing these statements is wonderful! Here is one that is that particularly stands out to me.

“We have been married for 35 years. We did not have a bad marriage, but it wasn’t good either. We did not talk or connect. After the kids left home we had nothing in common. In the evenings I would do my thing and my husband would do his, usually in separate parts of the house. I wanted more and he wanted me to stop wanting more. We attended a Soul Healers Couples workshop, and he said he thought connection like that wasn’t realistic for him. I felt trapped. I did not want a divorce because my husband was a good man, but I was so lonely. I finally persuaded him to come to counseling even though he felt like it was sheer torture. You guys made it less ‘painful’ for him and in time he began to talk. Eventually he started sharing from his heart. It took time and a lot of energy to change our old patterns, but now we have a relationship that is very healing for both of us.

On our 35^th anniversary he said an amazing thing to me. Now remember this is a man that could not share feelings of any kind much less sentimentality for years. He said, ‘For years I had a hard time buying you a card for our anniversary. I would read a few romantic cards and feel very uncomfortable. Then I’d find the funny cards with the doggie couples doing various tasks around the house. I would make my purchase and quickly leave the store. This year I found myself taking my time reading all the cards with statements of deep love and care. I found just the right card that said how much I love, respect, and appreciate you and could not wait to see your face when you opened it. I could not believe I was able to give you a card with all the romance and deep feelings. I have always wanted to be one of those deeply in-love old couples, and now we are one of them!’

I don’t know who was more excited about the transformation in this couple: the husband for learning to share, the wife for hearing it, or me for being around to experience this joy with them. It is so amazing what God can do when we are willing to learn and grow!

The theme scripture for this month is also the subject of this blog. Paul tells the Corinthians , “ If you marry, you will have trouble.” The Living Bible says, “Marriage will bring you an extra set of problems,” I Corinthians 7:28. It’s true! We have taught for years that marriage is Hard Work! You can’t take two completely different people from different environments, put them in a confined space, tell them to pay a mortgage, raise children, and handle all of life’s problems and expect it to be easy. This is why Soul Healing Love can help.

The communication tools in the Soul Healing Love Model are designed to ease the troubles and help couples navigate the choppy waters of marriage. We just finished a couple’s 15-hr intensive and here are some of the comments.

“My wife drug me in. I did not want to go, and I confess that I was not very engaged when we first got there. But Friday night you shared about the love drugs, and the normal disillusionment of marriage, and the last 15 years of my marriage struggles started to make sense. By Saturday you had my full attention. I now realize that I had a great deal of pain in my childhood that was affecting my marriage; sadly I blamed it all on my wife. Soul Healing Love gave me tools to help me heal my own soul wounds and heal my marriage. I thank God that my persistent wife would not take “no” for an answer.” Ben

“We were separated and on the rocks when we went to the workshop. It was our last hope.  We were desperate yet still skeptical. What you said made so much sense and your personal stories of struggle helped us see we were not alone. As we continued through the weekend something in our relationship began to shift. In the workshop, you called it a paradigm shift. That’s what happened to us. We know we still have a lot of work to do, but we are doing it together. We now see each other differently, more as allies than enemies and, most importantly, we have hope. Hope in God and Hope in our future.”  Anne

Yes, marriage is hard but it is just as rewarding as it is difficult if you have the tools to help you. These tools have come in handy in the last 33 ½ years for Tom and I and can do the same for you!

 Our next workshop is October 22-24, 2010, and We would love to have you!

For more about the Soul Healing Love Model see the article in this month’s E-News Letter, “Why Can’t My Spouse Be More Like Me?!?”

                It’s the week after Holy Week, always a time of reflection for me (Dr. Bev) because, as I detailed in my last blog, I first heard about Christ’s sacrifice for me at a childhood Easter egg hunt. During this time, I reflect on the amazing sacrifice of the Trinity. God the Father giving His only Son. As a parent I can’t fathom the enormous love that would give such a gift. The suffering, dedication, and passion of Christ, God the Son, who died so that we might be ransomed and redeemed. Then the Holy Spirit coming to provide comfort and strength for us all after Christ’s assent, it fills me with awe.

                In Charlotte, I am surrounded by churches, so many with three crosses out front with the center draped in a shawl of purple first for lent. Then the garment changes to red for Jesus’ shed blood of redemption. I look forward to the Sunday when the crosses change their shawls to white signifying Christ arose and is alive today! Those white-draped crosses are glorious in the backdrop of the new life of spring. A symphony of dogwoods, daffodils, and tulips are reborn after the cold, hard winter. Spring has redeemed these flowers just as Christ’s death redeemed us.

                As we look back on Easter Sunday, let the cross remind you of God’s Love and Sacrifice: you have been saved and forgiven! Let us all live in eternal gratitude because of God’s unconditional love that Heals our Souls and Restores us to Wholeness.

What Do Easter Eggs and the Cross Have In Common?

Many Christians, including me, find ourselves saddened at how secular commercialism has overtaken sacred holidays. At Christmas we are bombarded by Santa and Reindeer that eclipse our Savior’s birth. Now before Spring has sprung, stores sprout bunnies and colorful eggs that over-shadow Christ’s sacrificial death on the cross. In fact, holy days have been so secularized  that many Christians refuse to sport eggs or bunnies during lent. I am inclined to do that but I just can’t. You see, I love little furry bunnies and multi-colored eggs and the Lord knew that, so He used them to lure me to Him many years ago.

I was eight years old living in the Sheol that I called home, with no father and a mentally ill mother. Her insane rants, accompanied with verbal and physical abuse were regular occurrences. At age eight, I became a little adult, caring for my siblings and myself and striving desperately to keep us out of my mom’s destructive path. Needless to say, I had little time to play. One day a neighbor came over and invited us to an Easter egg hunt at the little country church down the road.

“Do they give prizes if we find them?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said graciously. “Chocolate prizes!”

“Games and chocolate, count me in!” I replied gleefully.

I’ll never be sure why my mom allowed us kids to go. Perhaps it was to get us out of her hair for the day, but that day changed my life forever.

Before the egg hunt, we listened to a flannel graph presentation of the Easter Story. The teacher put flannel pictures of Jesus in Gethsemane, carrying His cross, and being nailed to it for our sins. I still remember how carefully the teacher drew tiny drops of blood on Jesus’s hands and feet, no doubt trying not to frighten her young audience with such a dramatic story, while still trying to make her very important point.

“Jesus loved you so much that He died for you,” she said with conviction.

Who is this Jesus, I thought, who would love me enough to give His life for me, when even my own mother did not seem to care for me?

After the amazing story, we hunted eggs. I found a basketful and was rewarded with a delicious chocolate bunny which I ate with great gusto before I even left the parking lot of the church! But I never forgot that story. My intense hunger to know this Jesus stayed with me and years later as a teen, I went back to that church and accepted Christ as my savior and have had the blessed privilege of living for Him for four decades now.

So what do Easter eggs and The Cross have in common? They both saved me in every way imaginable! Every spring I put crosses and brightly colored eggs all over my house. This year I even sported an Easter tree filled with lights, crosses, and a hand-made crown of thorns (ouch did that hurt!). These are all reminders that I am saved… saved from sin, saved from pain, and saved from repeating the same unhealthy patterns of the generations before me. These reminders of my salvation inspire my gratitude to the One who loved me enough to give His life for me. Eggs and crosses remind me of the grace for which I am forever grateful. Now, if you will excuse me, I have some delightful eggs to hide!

We have not blogged in quite a while. There are many reasons for this which we will gladly share with you!! Since our last blog we have spoken on five radio shows and one TV show doing interviews for our newest book—Becoming a Family That Heals. We facilitated a very successful Soul Healers Couples Intensive Weekend in Charlotte. Many couples reported great breakthroughs in their marriages. It is one of the most gratifying things we do to watch couples transform right before our very eyes! 

We then facilitated a Soul Healers Leadership Training on October 26 and used real-life couples to demonstrate the power of soul healing in front of a group of eager trainees. From there we spoke at Central Church of God’s Life Care Center on Nov 7. The topic was –Having the Family You’ve Always Wanted. We had a great crowd and felt the Lord really move in the lives of many people. As if our weeks weren’t packed enough, we renovated our new building by tearing out 8 walls and adding 2 to make room for our growth. We then took our 8 staffers to pick out paint and furniture and decorated 10 beautiful offices!!

It has been nothing short of amazing to see how the Lord has worked everything out from contractors, painters, security, phone, internet and delivery people to put together this wonderful office in 6 short weeks. So many people said it could not be done, but the Lord made a way! Every Thanksgiving we are thankful for His richest blessing, but this one brings us so much more to be grateful for.

Studies show that gratitude is good for the soul. If this is true, and we think it is, our souls should be in great shape! Add some shape to your soul and have a truly Happy Thanksgiving. We promise to blog more frequently from now on. We are pretty sure that we won’t have a month as busy as the last for the rest of our lives!

PS-We are having an Open House Saturday, December 5 from 2-5pm to show what the Lord has done in our new building: 6412 Bannington Dr. in Charlotte 28226. If you would like to drop in just email us at info@soulhealinglove.com and we’ll save some refreshments for you!

It has been a few weeks since our last blog. During that time we have been to the American Association of Christian Counselors World conference in Nashville where we spoke on Tortured Men and Angry Women, a problem we see regularly. It was well received. We are now working on a book about this problem called The Run Away Wife Syndrome. It seems that wives are the main initiators of divorce in this country, an alarming trend that needs to be addressed. We then spoke at the Licensed Professional Counselors of North Carolina conference in Raleigh and taught a full day on the Soul Healing Love Model. While there were many professionals at both conferences, the comments we liked the most were those that tell how the material has helped people in their own lives and marriages. Hearing about the Tortured Man-Angry Woman dyad set off light bulbs for many people giving awareness to how they were responding in their marriages. We went from Raleigh to Huntersville, NC where we spoke at a Baptist church. After all our travels, we are tired but filled with the joy of seeing couples and counselors learn healthy tools for communication.

In addition to our busy schedule, we are also moving our office!! (Like we need more stress!) Rodgers Christian Counseling bought a beautiful building off of Hwy 51 in South Charlotte. The address is 6412 Bannington Rd. We will be blogging more about it in the future I’m sure. Our staff is growing and the number of people who need help is also growing. We feel stressed but blessed. Today’s reading in our devotional book Jesus Calling gave us some respite, “Some of your richest blessings are just around the bend: out of sight, but nonetheless very real. To receive these gifts, you must walk by faith not by sight.”  This ministered to our busy souls and gave us peace to focus on each day, not fretting about the many things that need to get done in the future, so we can be Blessed not Stressed!

We have been traveling to promote the book and speaking at conferences for the last two weeks, and God has moved in a glorious way! We spent last week with 6000 people at the American Association Christian Counselors World Conference where we spoke and did a book signing. People all over are reading Becoming a Family That Heals, and we are on the radio every weekend on Focus on the Family’s Weekend Radio show along with many other shows across the country. It brings life to our souls to hear how this book has helped many people move to healing in their lives and in their relationships. The book has also been reviewed on many blog spots. Here is what Deenasbooks.blogspot.com said:

Normally, I’m leary of any psychology, Christian or otherwise. But this book is something I’ve lived in my own family, and I found it extremely helpful. And I wasn’t even looking for help…well, I was praying, but not LOOKING:-)

“Becoming a Family That Heals” isn’t what I thought it would be. When I first saw the title, I thought it was about being a safe haven for those who’ve been wounded. Instead, it’s about creating a safe haven for YOU and for your family. Within your own home.

Drs. Beverly and Tom Rodgers write from personal and clinical experience, which always gains my respect. I say don’t talk it if you haven’t walked it. And they’ve done both.

With compassion and understanding, the two walk us through a case involving Amy and Bill…I’m not finished, so I don’t know if they are a real couple or a case study created for the book.

I saw a lot of myself in Bill, and a lot of my spouse in Amy. When the authors discussed how like-wounded people can find one another, it reminded me of the first long conversation I had with Dave…if you want to know about it, email me!

I’d recommend this book to couples who are wanting some healing in their marriage, their family, or just a better way to live life as a family. I have a lot of respect for couples who are struggling, and I believe this book could hold some answers for them.

Learn about the Soul-Healing Love Method the Rodgers’ have been teaching since the 1980’s (I hate calling anything a method, but I suppose that’s what it is). It makes sense, and I plan on incorporating it into how I interact with my husband and my kids.

I’m giving “Becoming the Family That Heals” four out of five bookmarks, with a broken-yet-healed heart as a charm. As long as you’re living, hope is always there. With Jesus, that is!

Happy Reading!

It has been a busy two weeks answering calls from wounded listeners who heard us on Focus on the Family’s National Radio show and weekend magazine. We are on every Saturday this month on the section called –Tough Questions. We are discussing our newest book—Becoming a Family That Heals.

Here is what viewers have said, “This book speaks to what is going on with me and my family more than anything I have read. For the first time I have insight into my behavior.”       Beth from Texas.

“The book has blessed me tremendously and helped me see how to parent my own children in a healthier way.”        Bill from Virginia.

“I always knew that my childhood might have something to do with how I act today. My mom was very abusive, but when I became a Christian I was told that I should just put it behind me and move on. I now know that if I don’t deal with my past, and allow the Lord to heal it, it is sure to haunt my future. Like you say in the book, ‘You can’t heal what you can’t feel.’”        Amy from Michigan.

These insights make our souls dance and help us see that the pain we went through in childhood can be used to help others. It is indeed true that God does not waist pain! We will be doing a seminar on the book called—The Family You’ve Always Wanted—at Central Church of God, in Charlotte, NC, Saturday Nov 6, 9-12:30.

If you come, stop and tell us your story. We’d love to hear it!

We were awed and honored last week as we listened to ourselves on Focus on the Family’s National Broadcast. The response has been phenomenal. We have received calls and emails from people all over the country, places such as Pennsylvania, Virginia, Ohio, Washington, New Jersey and many more. People shared that they too were wounded and could relate to our pain. Many shared about their childhood trauma or their current family struggles. Perhaps the most common question they ask is—“Can I really be healed of my childhood pain?” Our answer is always—“YES!”  We are living proof that the Lord can heal even deep trauma.

 Jeremiah 30:17 says, “I [The Lord] will heal thee of thy wounds and restore health unto thee.” And He has done this in our lives over and over again. The following are the steps of healing taken from our newest book Becoming a Family That Heals (Focus on the Family, Sept 1, 2009).

Step 1. What are your soul wounds and where did the wounding start?

Step 2. What are the messages of your soul wounds?

Step 3.  What are your adaptations? (the behaviors you do as a result)

Step 4. Ask the Lord to heal your soul wounds.

Step 5. What does the Word of God say about you?

These amazing steps taken with the Lord holding one hand and the Holy Spirit the other can lead you to freedom. There is so much more about this precious freedom in the book. Go online at Amazon.com September 1 and order your copy. We are counting down the days!